What happens when the job you used to love is no longer good for you?
...or, worse actively harms you? Letting go is hard, but there is hope on the other side.
I ran into one of the receptionists from a surgery I worked at pre-burnout whilst I was at the supermarket. We had a lovely little chat catching up in the aisles, during which a couple of times she referred to me loving being a GP.
“Claire, you love your job”
“I know how much you love it”
I smiled and nodded, but internally I froze.
Because I don’t love the job any more.
There, I said it.
Pre-burnout me would have been so upset to have had this realisation. Just being able to acknowledge this fact has come with huge amounts of pain, guilt and internalised shame and sadness.
For the person I ran into, only knowing me pre-burnout, those statements will have made perfect sense. She doesn’t know anything that has happened subsequent to me working with her. She has no idea that the job has actively harmed me.
In a time of economic turmoil and uncertainty I know that I am very lucky to have a job that pays well and keeps me employed, and I am well aware of the enormous privilege it is to be a doctor.
But do I want to keep doing a job that I can only do in small chunks post burnout, and one that I find very difficult in the current times with lack of resource and huge patient need? What happens when the love is gone? These are the sorts of pre and post burnout questions that we all need to think about in these difficult times.
We should all have realistic expectations about what our work can do for us, and give us. I think it’s completely ok not to love your job. If it pays the bills and allows you to live the life you want to lead, I don’t think it matters if it doesn’t set your soul on fire. If it fires you up and is something that you feel very passionate about, then great, but this isn’t always a realistic expectation. I think the majority of us - especially with vocational careers- understand what we sign up to, and we have appropriate expectations that the job might sometimes be difficult. But, we always hold onto that hope that the intrinsic rewards that we get from having a vocational job will make the harder times more bearable. Difficult can be handled, in appropriate chunks, but that needs to be balanced with easier and enjoyable times. What matters is when the job starts to persistently, consistently and irrevocably harm you, but it’s difficult to come to terms with this when you previously loved the work.
In the same way that long term relationships can break down and break up, I think sometimes it’s OK to do the same with your job.
The breakdown isn’t necessarily your fault.
You’ve probably tried incredibly hard to make it work for you.
But if it’s hard work with little reward, perhaps it’s time to find another way to live and work.
You deserve to be psychologically safe at work as a bare minimum, and if it’s not offering you that then this is your permission to look for fulfilment elsewhere. You will have so many transferable skills and knowledge. Regardless of the sector that you work in, your working life will be long. Being a doctor I am well aware that life is too short to be miserable. At the end of the day, our jobs are just that, a job, and a job is not worth your mental health. Period.
As for me, I’m now entering an incredibly exciting career trajectory that capitalises on all the hard work and training I’ve done over the past 15 years as a clinician. I feel the same way about this as I did when I was at medical school- excited, a little bit trepidatious, aware that there is going to be a LOT of hard work, but buoyed by passion and mission. Even if the love has gone from the job that harmed you, it is possible to find that love elsewhere.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments- how are you currently feeling about your job, and if it’s not working for you, what are you planning to do about it?
Sometimes just the act of applying for another job can show you that there’s another world out there.
And critically that you have a choice and that at present you are choosing to be in this job.
That act of knowing you have control can give you a new lease of lift in your current role.
Alternatively you can just take that new job !
Great reading, and somewhat resonates with me, since the last couple of years, I’ve been feeling stuck at my job, really disengaged from the organization. As you mention, I’m also really grateful to have a well paid job, specially in a country with many challenges and limitations in the job market, however, I always think and ask to myself if there’s something else I could be doing that energizes and motivates today the same as when I started the job almost 10 years ago.
As of the near future, I’m planning on taking slow down and maybe take a step back, in order to really understand what are the next steps I have to take to move forward in my career.